Sad

Dear Journal,

Tell me what should i do, i felt sorry for dad coz didnt stay at home and clean the house and cook for him recently. So today i asked koko to go fecth me and go home earlier so we can reach home earlier and dad will cook for us. Everything was fine when we're reachin home, dad is preparing the food and when i went into my room, i was pissed, pissed because dad actually tidy up my room. Werent i suppose to be grateful, but everytime my dad clean the house, he throws away almost everything, not junks, there are actually 'things' dad, not rubbish, although my room looks like a junk yard. I have been telling myself that i will now throw my temper on mom and dad anymore. But it's kinda hard to keep my feelings and the only thiings i have said accidently was：‘ why did u clean my room', and he said 'it's so dusty', i know i have to stay calm and cant yell, because dad do it for my own good. However, the setan got it all again this time, i said ;" it's my room, you don't have to come in. Dad said why i am talking like that', and i keep searching, searching for the bracelets( which i know it was suppose to be my fault, coz i didnt even know where did i kept it), i cant find it. I know other stuffs are missing too just that i have no idea what are there. I became irrational and went to the kicthen and wrap my hand with a plastic beg and keep dig into the rubbish beg. Next things i realise i cant find the negatives for the pictures i have taken when i was a baby. I was squatting in front of the rubbish beg with smelly garbages and slumpy overnite rice and stuffs. I know i did it to show dad that he wasnt suppose to throw my things away. Dad pissed when he saw me did that. I feel guilty, i always feel guilty, that is why i am suffocating, i wanna angry at a person so much, but cant because he did it because he loves me, but i am pissed, some of the things that meant so much to me are gone, my baby picture,that noone can ever get it back for me are gone, i am not 100% sure he throw it away, just that i feel really lost now. It might be meanindless for others but for me.....but again, dad clean my room because he said it's dusty, it's no good for me to sleep in the condition like that, BUT, some of the d handmade cards from my friends which means alot to me are in the paper beg already. I cant ..i really cant angry with dad because he didnt do that in purpose, but i am not happy really, the feelings is i wanna cry but i cant, i wana get real piss off, yes i cant but i cant show it to him.

I am sorry, you just asked me to go down and have my dinner and was asking about my driving license stuffs and wanted to pay for me. I know i am a little impolite, but i wanna say sorry, sorry for the irrationality and sorry for behaving like a 3 years old. I'm gonna promise to myself that i wanna become a person with relatively EQ so i will not hurt any1 around me. I feel ashamed that i am behaving like.

Self Reminder : Things which has already gone are gone, dont hurt any1 because once you grill a hole in a person heart, u cant never mearnt it back perfectly!